The Spoon

 (A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.) 

 

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

 

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

 

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

 

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

 

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

 

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

 

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

 

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

 

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

 

By tying this string to the tip of our you know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

 

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'  

 
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon'.

Respectfully Cheating

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

The Cuccumber

Indecent Proposal

The Lizard

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can
you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she
inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she
informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'

I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.

It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.'

(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can
be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but this boy is of her womb!)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen.

Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as
they come into maturity, like most male species, they um. . . um . . .
masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just. . . just . . ,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just. . .that. . .

I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little... ' She
gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay. 'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he
told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Oh btw, if you haven't realized it by now, Lizards lay eggs!

Why men don't write advice columns

Dear Bob:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn 't gone more than
a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to
a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad
passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been
married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out
that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her
rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our
house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately
began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free
when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any
clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair
for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but
ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly
distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk
___________________________________________________________________

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding
the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Bob

*** You see the problem? In all likelihood, that car has fuel injection,
not a carburetor.

The Nun in Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

How Wal-Mart Greeters Are Hired

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning. "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And, now you sir?", he asked the second man. "Hmmm...let me see. "A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. "Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of" The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh sure", said Old Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already crapped my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

The Missing Pole

The subtlety of the ad is stunning. The picture looks completely innocent until you notice the details - the missing pole!

Doing a Marlyn

ATM that men would love to go to!!

 

Lesson from Traffic Signals

 

Do Not Swallow Chewing Gum

 

Hillary Sticker

 

The Message

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

 

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, Running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, I need for you to give him a message," she continued. Running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth & allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

The Gambler

Michael was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found his wife Sandra in the arms of another man.

He started to yell at the interloper, "What right have you got to be making love to my wife?"

The man answered calmly, "You may as well know that I am in love with Sandra and I would like to marry her. I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her.... Okay?"

"Okay," replied Michael, "but just to make it a little more interesting, why don't we play for a dollar a point?"

My husband Jim...

When the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to
express Praise for answered prayers, a lady stood and walked to the
podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Jim had a
terrible bike wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was
excruciating, and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

Then she continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every
move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a
delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed
remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they
imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

"Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his
scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if
any one else had anything to say.

A man rose, walked to the podium, and said, "I'm Jim, and I want to tell
my wife - once again - the word is STERNUM, NOT scrotum."

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

 

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

 

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

 

December 14:
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to - 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. l didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

 

December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

 

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel.

 

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

 

December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

 

December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white sh*t fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to p**s. By the time I got undressed, p**sed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the a$$hole is lying.

 

December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!?! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

 

December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

 

December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

 

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

 

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

 

December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

 

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

 

December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

 

December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

 

January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

A Week at the Gym

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

 

Dear Diary, 

 
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

 

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Carlo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

 

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Carlo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with curly hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Carlo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Carlo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

 

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Carlo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Carlo's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

 

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Carlo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Carlo put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Carlo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other s #! t too.

 

THURSDAY: Carlo was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Carlo took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent another skinny b #@! h to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

 

FRIDAY: I hate that Carlo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little bastard. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Carlo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the DAMN barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

 

SATURDAY: Carlo left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

 

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Rachel (the little s #! t) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Beer Opening Techniques 2

 

Beer Opening Techniques 1

 

Romantic Husband

 

Every monkey has its day,,,,,

Airplane Conversation

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon
realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have
it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked!,

"What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from
my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
exuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina
is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with
you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

True Herione's Diary

A Diary Entry of a True Heroine who saved 1600 lives.... Four times in a
single day. Read till end.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. The ship has 1600
passengers on it. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm
really excited.

DEAR DIARY .. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales
and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be.

I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffleboarding and
hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at
his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is
a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino . did OK ... won about $80. The Captain
invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious
meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night
but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my
husband.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go
to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw
me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman.
He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He
told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the
ship. I was appalled.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today . . .four times !!!!

Kissing - Facts and Benefits

It is a matter of record that Canadian porcupines kiss one another on the lips

The world's longest kiss took place on January 28, 2002. Louisa Almodovar and Rich Langly of New Jersey kissed for a record 30 hours, 59 minutes and 27 seconds on a segment of "Ricki Lake"

Matrimonial pollsters' studies prove that a man who kisses his wife good-bye when he leaves for work every morning averages a higher income than does the fellow who doesn't do that thing

In medieval Italy kisses weren't taken, or given, lightly. If a man and a woman were seen embracing in public they could be forced to marry!

Our brains have special neurons that help us locate each others lips in the dark

It is estimated that the average person will spend about 20,160 minutes kissing in their lifetime

You burn 26 calories in a 1 minute kiss

The first kiss ever shown in a movie was in 1896. The movie, was called The Kiss

Hershey's Kisses got their name because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt

50% of all people kiss before they turn 14. Kissing helps reduce tooth decay. Kissing increases the mouth's production of saliva, and saliva helps clean the mouth thus aides prevention of tooth decay

Pepsi Ad

Problem with the phone

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few
occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the
phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog
moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel
chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number
was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and
moaning.

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up
leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,
sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of
cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire
wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange
them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put
into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears
covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears
running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large
collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she
finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her
in his arms and carries her into his bedroom.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more
creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense,
explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying
there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well,how
was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her
eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

The Manly Contest

A guy is forced to live in a remote Eskimo villiage but is having
trouble interacting with the villiagers. Finally he corners one of them
and asks why they won't talk to him.

The villiager responds that he has not been initiated as a man. He ask's
what do I have to do?

The villiager says, first you have to drink 2 bottles of Russian Vodka,
then you have to go into a cave and kill a polar bear with your bear
hands, then to seal your induction into manhood you have to make love
for 10 hours straight with one of our women.

The man says he will do it. That night there's a big party to initiate
the stranger. Everyone sits around the fire and they pass him a bottle
of Vodka. He down's about half without much trouble, bet the second half
is much more difficult. Finally he finishes it, and they pass him
another. He finally manages to finish off the second bottle and the
crowd claps and sings. Then he tried to get up but fell over drunk.

The Cheif picks him up and points him in the direction of the polar bear
cave. He staggers over and climbs in. Suddenly there's a huge commotion
from within the cave. Bears growling and him screaming and wailing in
pain. Half an hour later he stumbles out of the cave, Torn to shreds,
bloodied, and half dead. He turns to the crowd and drunkenly says,

"Okeee now where's the woman I gotta kill?"

Cowboy

A Chicago pal of mine bought a ranch out west in Durango, Colorado where
he intended to retire and raise some cattle, do some hunting and a bit
of fishing.

So after all his friends and family had visited, I took a trip out to
see it from Florida and to have a little R&R while checking out the
area.

I asked Jack if the ranch had a name. "Well," said my would-be-cowboy
friend, "I wanted to call it the Bar-JH. My wife Pat, favored the
Patsy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy
-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-JH-Patsy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y ranch."

I had looked about the place, seen some deer in the woods, the out
buildings and a pasture with a bull, the barn with a few horses, but had
not come across any stock.

Later in the day, while enjoying a taste of some Jack Daniels at my
guest's well stocked bar, and relaxing in the nicely appointed main
house, I enquired, " Jack, I looked around but I haven't seen any of
your cattle?"

Jack took a big sip of his golden libation and moaned, "Well so far,
none of the damn cows have survived the branding."

Christmas Joke

This Year's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

How to Create a Rumour

Is this yours...?

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,
her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared
and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied
that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to
help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped
His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with
sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble
studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied,
"No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the
water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why
are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is
this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an
untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you
would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had
I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in
the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three
husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and
honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story,
and we're sticking to it.

Signed,
All the Women

Strategic Move

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath
away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her,
"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20
million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days
later, she became his stepmother.

Mom brought the cake

George's Words of Wisdom

 

Don't Park Your Vehicles for too Long

 

A Thanksgiving Story

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's
mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird ' s attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In
desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John ' s outstretched arms and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird ' s attitude.

He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behavior, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

My Conversation with Jesus

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and cranberry along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.

I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"

And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."

I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."

And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad."

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"

He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish mowing your lawn."

The Helicopter Ride

Morris and his wife Esther went to the Yorkshire show every year, and
every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that
helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty
quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid.'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther,
I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get
another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter is fifty quid, and
fifty quid is fifty quid.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one
word, it's fifty quid.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He
did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did
everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm
Impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty quid is fifty quid.'

Who came first?

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face
and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.

The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered
THAT question..."

On a back road...

This boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from
town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads in the back seat some
distance from town. Things were getting hot and steamy when the girl
stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a
prostitute and I charge $20 for sex."

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly
paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just
sat in the drivers seat looking out the window.

"Why arent we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"I should have mentioned this before, but Im actually a taxi driver, and
the fare back to town is $25!"

Naughty Baby

Cheeky Baby

Friends Bloopers

The Five Little Pigs

A farmer had five female pigs.

Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell
them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything
50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. They agreed to drive thirty miles
each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m.,
loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only
vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, 'How will I know
if they are pregnant?'

The other farmer replied, 'If they're in the grass in the morning,
they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not.'

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off,
loaded them into the family station wagon again and repeated the
process.

This continued each morning for more than a week.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.

He called to his wife, 'Honey, please look outside and tell me whether
the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.'

'Neither,' yelled his wife, 'They're in the station wagon and one of
them is honking the horn.'

Do you know Jesus?

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction
site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend
some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with
them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot
where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big
smile said: 'Do you men know Jesus Christ?'

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers
looked up into the steelworks and yelled, 'Anybody up there know Jesus
Christ?'

One of the steelworkers yelled down 'Why'?

The worker yelled back, 'His wife's here with his lunch!'

What Generosity!

Wife comes home early find her husband in bed with a strange woman.

She says, "That's it, I'm leaving & never coming back."

He says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"

She shrugs & says, "Fine, let's hear your story. This had better be
good!"

He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young lady
in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying.I took pity on her and
asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house.She climbed into
my truck and I brought her home.

"She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you
anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you 2 years ago that
you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought & wore only twice.

"I gave her some of the roast beef in the fridge, that you never used.
Then I showed her to the door.

"She was so grateful for all these things, she thanked me profusely and
as she was about to leave she turned around and asked me ...

'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore????'"

No toilet paper

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very
faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on
the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped
in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was
wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin
them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a
wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next
day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet
and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to
suspect the worst.. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
stuck to her butt that said..... "From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you."

Now that's a Problem

 

Wedding Vs Golf

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom
was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all
day, is it?"

Wedding Anniversary

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds - AND IT BETTER BE
THERE!!"

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there
was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife
put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in
the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

Rudy Giuliani's Push To Save America...

 

The Doctor's Funeral

A funeral was held for a cardiologist. At the parlor, a big heart was in
front of the casket.

At the end of the eulogies, the big heart open up and swallowed the
casket.

A person sitting in the back began to laugh. Everyone turned around to
look at him. "Well," he said, "I was just wondering what it would be
like at my funeral. I am a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

The Confession

An elderly retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to
make his Confession; the first time in many decades.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and
asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You
have no need to confess it."

"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to
repay me with sexual favors."

"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal
conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are
forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question?"

"What, my son?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

What am I doing wrong?

(This appeared on Craig's list)

 

The question:

 

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York . I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

 

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

 

Here are my questions specifically:

 

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

 

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

 

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

 

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

 

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

 

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

 

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

 

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests. PostingID: 432279810

 

 

 

The answer:

Dear Pers-431649184:

 

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

 

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

 

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

 

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating,
not marriage.

 

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

 

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

 

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know."

 

Jorge Luis Garay

Monastery Of Silence

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said,
"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You're welcome here as long as you
like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the
Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5
Years. You can speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better
bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food." said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that
the food would be better in the future.

On her 15 anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister
Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

It's probably best," said the Priest, "you've done nothing but bitch
since you got here.

The Italian Grandfather

An Italian family was considering putting their grandfather in a
nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they
had to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish
facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asked the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said
Grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the
wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from
everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the
residents here," Grandpa said with a big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the
violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! There is a
judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30
years, and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'! And there's a
physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for
25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!

And me...., I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The
Fucking Italian'!"

The Nun and the Cabbie

A cabbie picks up a nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver
won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend
you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"Ok" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a
hooker blush.

When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's ok. My name's Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party."

The Pest Affair

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man
replied

'Oh yeah? And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, .. 'Those little bastards.....'

The Hammer Killer

A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, "You're
charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

"You b*stard!" yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.

"You're also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,"
says the judge.

"B*stard!" the same person yells.

The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom. "Sir,
one more outburst and I'll charge you with contempt."

"I'm sorry, Your Honor," says the man. "But I've been this bastard's
neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he
said he didn't have one."

What doctors can do these days...

A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out
looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four
weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we
can take a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have him out
looking for work in two weeks."

The American doc, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way
behind! We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to
Washington where she will become President, and half the country will be
out looking for work in less than a week!"

Dear Abby...

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.

What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago; he hasn't even looked for a
new one.

All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his
buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like
me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

- Desperate in NY...

Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump the jerk.

Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore!

You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of
the United States. Act like one!

- Abby

The Deer Hunter

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being
interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The
discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head
of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it
'Are you the one that killed my brother?' '

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they
care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw
next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the
French."

The interview ended at that point.

We're gonna miss you!

(Keep in mind this actually really did happen!!!! This is someone who
was moving from an insurance claims office. Okay so this is how I
imagine this conversation went:)

Walmart Employee: "Hello ~dis Walmarts, how can I help you?

Customer: I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.

Walmart Employee: What you want on the cake?

Customer: Best Wishes Suzanne and underneath that We will miss you.

Walmart Employee:

Girl's Night Out....

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake
up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming
up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible
conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9
cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
"MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem mad in the least. Whew, I got away with
that one!

Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'Oh! crap' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

You want me to do what?

 

The Golfer And The Stranger

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

The Elderly Couple

An elderly couple were attending a church service.

About half way through the sermon, the wife leans over and whispers to her husband,
"I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

The Cowboy

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Logical Reasoning

Two friends signed up for college. When they looked at their schedules, the first friend noticed he had Logical Reasoning as a class. Not knowing what it was, he went to the class and asked the teacher what logical reasoning was.

The teacher than proceeded to explain: “Do you have a weed eater?”

“Yes,” replied the guy.

“You have a weed eater, which means you have a lawn, which means you have a house, which means you have kids, which means you have a wife, which means you’re straight.”

When he got out of class, he met with his friend who asked him what logical reasoning was about.

“Well,” said the guy. “Do you have a weed eater?”

“No,” replied the friend.

“”Then you’re gay!”

Office Memo

To: All Employees

Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Lunch Breaks:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Restroom Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.

Surgery:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Trial

During a trial in a small town, the prosecutor calls the first witness, an old lady. Just to make her at ease, the prosecutor asks:

- Mrs Smith, do you know who I am ?

To which the old lady replies:

- Of course I know who you are, Mr Johnson. I know you since you were a kid, and honestly speaking, you've become a huge dissapointment to your parents. You lie constantly, you think yourself qualified to give an opinion about anything, even if you don't have the slightest idea about the matter under discussion, you are prepotent, abusive, you cheat on your wife, and worst of all, it is said you've embezzled funds from the church. Yeah, I know who you are.

So the prosecutor is kind of rattled after that - and just to save face, it asks, while pointing to the defense lawyer:

- And do you know who he is?

To which the old lady now replies:

- Of course I do. I've also known Mr Williams since he was a child.
Everyone knows he got his law degree by cheating. He also gambles, doesn't pay alimony to his two previous wives, is the worst laywer in the whole county, it hasn't paid taxes in the last 10 years or so, and also cheats on his wife with three different women - one of them being your wife, by the way. Yeah, I know Mr Williams - his parents aren't very proud of him either.

The defense lawyer is about to have a stroke.

The judge calls both the prosecutor and the defense laywer to approach the bench, and whispers:

- If either one of you asks this old witch if she knows me, I'll send you straight to the electric chair

Gas Pump Prank!

Hilarious Hummer Ad

A Blonde and the Crocodile Shoe

A blonde walks into a shoe shop in Florida and asks the assistant;

"Have you got any alligator shoes for sale?".

"Yes!" He replied, "They are $2, 500"

"I'm not paying that!" the shocked blonde exclaimed.

"I will go into the Everglades, catch an Alligator and get my own"

"Good luck!" said the amused assistant.

So the blonde walked out of the shop.

At 6 o'clock the assistant had finished work and was on his way home when he saw the blonde waist deep in water, holding a baseball bat.

He shouts over to the blonde;

"How are you doing?"

The blonde points over to a pile of dead alligators layed on the bank.

"I've killed 6 alligators and not one of them is wearing shoes!"

Miss Teen USA 2007 - South Carolina answers a question

Who Am I?

One Monday morning a Mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow. Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night!", the Mailman comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so
drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a
hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

"The Mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times....!"

Logic

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Apple Announces...

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Ready for Release

Dr. Hansen, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, was examining patients to see if they were cured and ready to re-enter society.

"So, Mr. Lawrenson," the doctor said to one of his patients. "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"

The patient thought for a moment, then replied, "Well, I went to college and studied mechanical engineering. That's still a good field. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital - what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've developed an interest in lately."

Dr. Hansen nodded and said, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."

The patient replied, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."

Opening Ceremony

Nuclear Power

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know shit?"

Adam and Eve

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are
Russian."