Unquotable Quotes

• "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his plane." Author Unknown.

• "It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers.

• "If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield.

• "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy." Steve Martin.

• "My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of fifteen'." Emo Philips.

• "My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects." Les Dawson.

• "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." Woody Allen.

• "My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." Woody Allen.

• "I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." Woody Allen.

• "There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." Unknown.

• "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Emo Philips.

• "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Steven Seagal.

• "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams.

• "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" Marilyn Pittman.

• "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Harrods comes out with a ride-on vacuum cleaner." Roseanne.

• "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." Johnny Carson.

• "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." Paul Rodriguez.

• "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." Jerry Seinfeld.

• "Bigamy is having one wife or husband too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde.

• "Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children". A Mom.